How to become a Winning Man

Dr. Iniobong Ekpo inspired me to put up this piece after our whatsapp chat on Monday. He said “…xyz doesn’t see life like we Mafians…” This took me back the lane of history… I have long forgotten that I’ve always been a Mafian.

As an undergrad at the College, Iniobong was my Mafian mentor and role model. He was an inspiration not only to me, but to many other College undergrads. I won’t be defining who a Mafian is without mentioning that he’s a Winning Man, a rugged soul with a daring spirit. The kind that comes out unhurt in any situation. A Winning Man is a grace carrier, earthly god and a terror to foes.

A Winning Man is a grace carrier, earthly god and a terror to foes.

Tr. Iboro William

In my Final Year in College, some desperate PCI members went extra miles to conduct a litmus test of my Mafian Agility by building up false and baseless accusations which jeopardised my Studentship; Dr. Iniobong was my mentor, and was also the target. We conquered them without bending a pin. Few days to sign off, one of the desperados saw me trying to board a cab back to the Metropolis, and almost fell into the gutter. I became a terror overnight!

I don’t suck strawberries to remain a Mafian, I grind stones. If you want to be one, follow my lead and let these power tips be your anchor.

Seal your lips; talk only when it is necessary

Silence is the best companion of a thoughtful man. You can’t scare idiots like hell when you already talk like Adams Oshiomole. When those desperate PCI members started shaking, they sent agents to rally around me in order to get information as to what our next move would be, I put them off balance, fed them with wrong information and silence. The wrong information led them astray, while the silence confused them all. We took them by surprise with a well-rooted lawsuit and had them beg on bent knees. You don’t expect the kids of your neighbours to run come hug you when you return from work if all you do is to wag your lips like a torn “FESTAC” bag. It makes them see through you like the public TV at Ibom Plaza. It demeans prestige, and shatters respect.

Never express emotions.

Your face is a book without a fucking cover because it clearly makes bare your emotions. The moment you show how sad you are, or how happy you are, you are automatically brought down to the level of the mortals. Speak in a calm and composed manner. Be it anger or happiness, let your face not have a defined look for any of them.

Be a Badass Genius.

If you can’t excel at something, you can’t become a Winning Man. You must know most of what others do not know. This means you must commit yourself to learn. Let there be something that makes people feel you’re “something” beyond the ordinary. It could be super-excellence at academics, business mogul, a great speaker and attention magnet, computer geek, bad ass kicker or anything that makes people talk at your back, and stare at you when you’re around.

Your CR Alert is sent privately to your line, your financial life should remain private.

Unless you’re completing a form at the bank to get some building loan, car loan, business loan etcetera, your 6 or 7 figures account should be known only by you and the person that matters to you; maybe your spouse. I met Tr. Anyanime at Afaha Nsit who happens to be a teacher by profession, but a gossip by call. The last time I saw her was at Ikot Ekpene Road when she loudly asked what “I was doing at hand”, I went close so I won’t behave madly as she did and told her “I teach Basic Technology in a private school.” She added, “Hah! God forbid! I can’t work in a private school, they pay N8,000 or N10,000. Am I lying?” I was embarrassed. I refused to respond to her enquiry while biding her farewell.

Some persons wag a lot. They complain of poor wages while others make them an object of caricature at. Even if your salary is fucking “ugly” make it beautiful by diversifying your income source, instead of resorting to mocking your profession and damping your prestige.

Also read: How to make Money in Nigeria as a Student

Look busy.

Don’t be the badass guy who sticks to a room and cause all the problems in the neighbourhood. Wear a calculating look, stare at nothing in particular. Talk with yourselves in your mind. This will create an impression that you know something others do not know, or that you have withstood great horrors in your past.

Think.

Be the badass guy who conceives and implements crazy projects that will put people off balance as to how you arrived at such. Don’t be the poor niga who works only on the ideas of people. In fact, Iboro would advise, “Go unconventional!” World changers are deviants who don’t give a damn to conventions or shitty dogmas. They are not of this world! They are “crazy and annoying” people.

If you must be a Winning Man, never dump your fucking brain in the freezer, put it to work. The Great Rene Descartes said “cogito ego sum” which is interpreted to mean “I think, therefore I am”, Rene believed that for one to say that he is in existence, he must have the ability to think. You can’t go around talking about crushes, latest fashion and other fucking unnecessary things.

Learn Sarcasm.

There will be instances when people will try to belittle you in public. Hit them back with deadpan sarcasm. One victory is enough for everyone to get an idea of what you approve.

As long as life continues, there will be god-damn annoying folks who won’t stop kicking you hard on the ass. If you must survive in a world they live in, learn their ways and use it on them.

Know your limits.

Don’t get me wrong, even Winning Men have weaknesses. You wouldn’t just walk into my religious assembly and collect the microphone to preach just because you’re a University Professor. If you do, you will damp your face with shit and fall off the stage.

Know where your Mafian Agility can lead you, and know where it ends. Respect your limits if you must remain a Winning Man!