Signs of a Fake Friend.

I was there when it started, I was still there when it collapsed. I wasn’t an enemy of their union, but was worried about the lingering nefarious snow Sammy’s newly found confidant was about to unleash.

Far back 2013, I was a second year undergrad in Akwa Ibom State College of Education. I and Sammy have been College mates since our enrollment in 2011, though I was in School of Vocational Education, and Sammy was in School of Science. We met during the College orientation exercise and have always stayed close until Theresa came into the limelight.

Insecurity started setting in as Sammy got to make a double home-ward tour monthly as against the usual monthly visits. To Sam, I had suddenly become a threat to his newly found happiness. Theresa suddenly became a goddess moulded by Sam. She could hear when I warned Sam about his new careless attitude of skipping reading timetable even when she was not there; she could know that I ran off budget and had to skip meals even when she wasn’t staying with me; Theresa could tell my favourite meal, and how I sing when taking my bath even though she has never visited the shower with me; She could tell how I had to make a skimpy patch on my dress even though we don’t share room. All these drove me wild when I discovered Sam was the creator of goddess Theresa.

The spate of insecurity forced me to create a lacuna that was not so desirable, but I had to because no better option was available. So now, we attained a balanced ground; he got goddess Theresa, while I got my space.

Before the whole shitty stuff fell off Sam’s head, I had gathered many factual signs you must watch out for if you must know when your friends turn fake.

A fake friend abandons you when they meet someone more interesting than you

There is no magic to plant a mango tree at the middle of an ocean and have it stand. Shitty friends will always look for shitty grounds. They know they do not belong where you are, or belief in you. So when someone more interesting appears, they set sail for better pastures. The only reason they keep you is to have where to fall back to when consolation is lost elsewhere.

They’ve more time to discuss people’s shit

When every encounter with your supposed friend turns into a gossip, you’re totally on the wrong track. If the only thing that brings the fat cow to your apartment is to murder others with words, you will be the reason he will go elsewhere so he can continue his mission on earth. Anyone that speaks bad of others to you will certainly talk you down when you’re not with him.

They give the information only when they know you’re aware

Shitty friends who fight for your downfall, but still wish to hang around as though they are friends can stifle you of useful information that friends would normally share. It could be an opportunity for employment, job advancement seminars, or other such vital information concerning your professional or personal advancement. They feel that depriving you of such information would mean your failure and professional doom. At the event that they know you are aware that such information is at their disposal, they will then open up and explain how they had wanted to inform you before now. This kind of friends are assholes and you must not depend on them.

Fake friends surround themselves with people who do not like you

If all your friend has got to offer is the shitty talk of how he’s watching your back and protecting your interest in the camp of your haters, then you’re sure going to catch a big loss soon! No man visits an ink factory without having to spill the hue someday. You must never be comfortable that the person who knows so much about you is having a comfortable romance with someone who is fighting hard for your downfall. If you must save your ass, you must seal all loopholes!

A fake friend collaborates with your EX to monitor your life

The annoying part of these shitty people is how they will be so idle to the point of trying to study you like a book, write tests, and send the results to your ex who has found more appeal in confiding in your supposed friend because he says bad things about you to her!
Truth is, if you experience a breakup and your ex chooses to confide in your friend, then your friend in turn denies of such association, or conceals/distorts details of his discussion with your ex, something fishy is going on. Your “friend” is not your friend, he is merely a cheap spy employed by your ex to monitor your life. When you discover that you have this kind of people around you, do not break an ice; all you’ve got to do is to employ the 3rd law of power to put him off balance. Conceal your intentions from people desperate to chop off your privacy and your life; you owe no one!

A fake friend relates with you differently under certain conditions

If your friend has been on the forefront of behavioural swings under certain circumstances, it is a clear indicator that you might be hanging out with the wrong person. Your supposed friend might give you a warm shoulder when a certain group of people are not around, but turns off the attachment in their presence. At this instance, you might wonder if the friendship is a secret one, or if you’re not someone he’s proud to be found with in public.

If so, such union is not only immature, but he is certainly a fake friend because real friends should not be afraid of treating people with kindness.

A fake friend attaches conditions to friendship

When extreme conditions are attached to friendship, it is an obvious indicator that such union is fake and won’t last. People tend to confuse conditions with boundaries. It is normal and more diplomatic to set boundaries in friendship, but totally absurd to make friendship a conditional union.
The common boundary in a union involving the opposite sexes could be avoidance of sexual activities. But conditions on the other hand could mean that your friend must come from a wealthy background, dress in a certain way, walk in a certain way, talk in a certain way, have a certain complexion etcetera. Any friend who attaches such conditions to friendship is fake. Friendship should have more to do with character than appearances.
If your supposed friend requires you to be anything aside who you are, such a friend is fucking fake!

Also see: Causes of abuses in relationships

Obviously, we live in a world where we get to meet this kind of people from time to time. Do not give it a personal consideration. A fake friend to you is a fake friend to all; he might not even have real friends, but keeps migrating from one comfort zone to another wondering what is wrong with people, without knowing that he is the author of his misfortune.